Explaining the Large Hadron Collider

Basically, you start off with two very beautiful people.  You are under the impression that if you smash them together at high speeds, something really cool will happen.  So, you stick them both in a tube, speed them up, and crash them together.  The resulting explosion of people bits is indeed cool.  Since, however, a person is a much more stable form than people bits, the beautiful people reform, as a person and an anti-person (person=matter).  Now, due to the explosion, the two people are ugly right now.  As everybody knows, beautiful people hate ugly people.  As such, they will attack each other to mutual annihilation.  As we already know, people are more stable than people bits, so they will keep annihilating and reforming until one of them is victorious.  If it's the person, then it gets to go free into the atmosphere and no harm done.  If it's the anti-person, though, it will immediately be destroyed by the surrounding people until a person emerges victorious.

On Evictions

You know how it is.  You wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, and then BAM!  Suzy your receptionist is foaming at the mouth and blabbing about the joys of Satan.  So, you do what any human in your situation would: call a priest.  One exorcism and several hours later, your on your way home, get back to your door, and WAM! a pink eviction notice.  "But why?"  You ask to yourself, "I've paid all my bills on time for the last 30 years, and was all caught up this month.  What right do they have to do this to me?"  One word, my friend: Karma.
Think about it: you've just moved in to a brand new home.  You're starting to finally get unpacked, figuring out the plumbing, meeting your neighbor, and then VAVOOM!  Some fat guy is holding a cross over you and saying, "The power of Christ compels you."  I mean, what the heck?  What's a demon to do?  Obviously, getting revenge on the nimrod who called the priest (I apologize for bad demonic language.)  Now, anyone giving out a mortgage in this day and age is obviously in league with you know who, so obviously it's not that hard to mess the guy up.  After all, do unto others after they do unto you, right?
But, seriously people, it's not that hard if you really stop to think about it.  I mean, who knows, it might be kind of fun to have a demonic alter ego who will reap the souls of your foes.  Also, why would you ever want to evict someone?  Especially someone keeping up on their bills.  I mean, they're still feeding the body, and once they figure out the plumbing/ other things I'm sure they'll become a model citizen.  They might even be able to become something useful to society; like a lawyer, toy maker, infomercial guy, or 4 Kids TV executive (for reference, watch Yugioh the Abridged Series, [recent episodes].)  Anywho, next time you go to your kids pre-school to find Mrs. Frizzle contorting herself into a pretzel while summoning demons, instead of calling the priest, you might want to explain to her civility and the amazing things called tendons and orthopedics.

Marking Territory

I was walking today, and saw two bikes riding towards each other.  The first thing I thought of, like any sane human being, was: what would it be like if they were jousting.  Think about it: two people on bikes, there feet pedaling madly, one hand on the steering wheel, the other desperately trying to keep the over-sized pole from touching  the ground (which, of course, would vault them into oblivion).  Suddenly, they connect.  One, hit by the jousting rod, goes flying.  The other, thrown off balance by the sudden force of the blow, runs into a wall.  Whomever can get up first and beat the other with a club wins.  Think about it: this would be a great way for people to solve territorial disputes.  Much better than what people do at college...
I'm sitting in my room, and suddenly, I hear it from down the hall.  The silence is broken by a loud, male, yell.  It is followed by another yell by another male.  They aren't saying anything in particular, just yelling nonsensical babble at each other.  However, it's easy to translate: My territory.  My territory.  My territory.  Honestly, 200000 years ago they would have been peeing on each other.  Which, of course, is why, in jousting, most of the guys would choose as long a pole as possible (to refer to another "pole" they wish was that long).  Mean while, the girls would choose a more sensibly sized pole...
One final point: you know, peeing on someone isn't exactly a crime (at least, there's no mention against it in my college handbook).  It's more of a... frowned upon thing.  So, next time you see two guys screaming at each other, show that you're dominant and pee on them.  It will shut them up, and show them who is boss.

Macro versus Micro

SAVE THE WHALES!!!!!!  How many times have you heard that?  The phrase is so common that there's even a TV show dedicated to those who protect the whales.  And the list goes on.  You could probably say, "Save the (rapidly dying off animal)" and most people would join in with, "Oh, yes, right, the poor dears, we must save them."  With one key exception.  "Save the Rhinderpest virus."  ...What? ...what's a rhinderpest virus?  Why on earth would we want to save a virus?  Ask these same people if they would save an animal, and unquestioningly most people are going to say, "oh, yeah, definately."  So, what's the difference?  It cannot be the whole "mortality" thing, since tigers kill people too.  Probably, it's just the fact that YOU CAN'T SEE VIRUSES.  So, when you can see them, people freak out.  When you can't see them, no body cares.  So, I have a slogan for you all now:  Unseen yes, unimportant no.  Save the itty-bittys!!!!!!!!!!

College Steriotype Murder Mystery

By the end, there were:
6 Parapalegics
1 Zombie Campus Security Officer, who had been shot (and lived) 4 times before being zombified
Pestilence was arrested
Albert Einstein was dead (for the 3rd time)
A cheerleader arguing with a village bicycle about who was the bigger slut.
Another cheerleader (who hates online shoppers) who turned into a cheerleader barbie.
Her gay bff (who loves online shopping) who found a new shopping buddy.
A music loving girl (initials Ga Ga) who is really a man.
An a whole lot of laughs.

What's a limit?

This is the story behind a status I had on facebook (sort of sounds like the first line to a country song, doesn't it?)  So, my friend Brenna came over, with a perplexed look on her face, and said in her sad little freshman voice that she needed help with limits.  So, we sit down and I start to explain it, making about as much headway as a vegan in a cow eating contest.  My efforts, of course, were hampered by the peanut gallary (Tom, making my job harder, and Summer, who was just there to watch).  So, thinking quickly, I ask,
     "Alright, so what does a slope mean?"
     "Rise over run."  She said matter-of-factly (if a little confused).
     "But what does that mean?"  She thought for a moment, and then said,
     "How much you go up and then go over?"  Quickly I realized that this was a futile effort and that I would have to abandon it for another mode of thought.  So, I thought for a few moments and quickly hatched a brief thought of an idea.
     "Tom," I said, "stand against the wall."  He did as bidden; "Summer, stand next to him."  Which she did.  "Alright... um... which one of you is taller?"
     "I am."  Said Summer.  Then she looked at Tom, and then back at me.  True, she might have been taller by about three milimeters. Quickly thinking, Tom ducked down a little bit (I think to mess me up.)
     "Stay there!" I quipped.  Just then, Stina walked by.  I bade her to sit by the wall and next to Tom; she did.  Richard, hearing the commotion, pocked his head out of Tom's room.  "Lie down here."  I ordered and, to play along, he did.  I had a look at my handiwork and realized that I had created an almost perfect exponential function.  However, my work was far from over.  "Now," I said, returning my attention to my anxious pupil, "imagine that this is the curve in your problem [4x^2].  Now, the slope is the difference between the height of Richard and Stina," pointing them out as I went along, "Stina and Tom, Tom and Summer."  Boing; the lights went on behind Brenna's eyes.
    "I get it,"  She said, "I understand what a slope is."
    "Good,"I replied, angling my body to go across Tom's head, with my feet around Stina's "now, imagine that I [Austin] am a line tangent to Tom's head, since Tom is the point where x=4.  Find Austin"
     "Alright, how do I do that."  So, I had Tom stand up.
     "Alright, first what you have to do is find the slope of Austin.  Now, what is a slope?"
     "The difference between a point and it's closest neighbor."
     "Right, so, imagine that Tom is the point that you want, and Summer is his closest neighbor.  Now, if we find this slope, we'll be almost there.  However, we want to get a little closer, so we use an 'almost Summer', and then to get closer a 'not quite Summer', and then we start using, 'Almost Toms', getting progressively closer to Tom, without actually reaching his height.  Do you understand."
    "Yes."
    "Alright, so the formula that we use is:  (((Tom + next closest)-Tom)/(next closest)).  Does that make sense."
    "OMG Yes!  This is finally starting to make sense!"  And that is how I explained limits, and it was good.